How OkCupid Changed My Life....

Sadly, this is not a blog about meeting The One. I've only been on there a few weeks thanks to my friend Lindsey, but I have been very pleasantly surprised at the quality of people on there. Things have really changed since online dating began. I've come across profiles of several friends, so it's nice to know I'm not a wierdo anymore.

And that's where the life changing begins. The site allows you to create tests that are displayed on your profile. One of the most popular ones is the Enneagram test. I feel as though it takes the Meyers-Briggs personality test and takes it to a whole new level. It literally is just 2 questions, but it has revealed to me so much about my personality that I have been struggling with. For more on these nine different personality types, go to http://www.enneagramspectrum.com/.

For a moment, it feels almost like astrology - that when you read all of the personality types and you can see how you could fit into all of them. That made me a little skeptical, but it was interesting that they call it a spectrum because, like the color spectrum, one of the nine traits is like a color hue that shines brightly out of all the rest. As I took the test and read more about my personality (I'm a 4, "The Original/Unique/Sensitive Person"), I actually felt tears welling up in my eyes.

Here are some of the key points that I've learned about myself and hope that it gives you a bigger understanding as to who I am. I also encourage you to take the test and let me know if the results were as powerful for you as they were for me.

1) I value originality and beauty. What I love about myself and other people is that they are each unique and possess qualities that only they themselves have. One great phrase I loved is that I make the ordinary extraordinary (sometimes to my detriment) and the extraordinary ordinary. Other adjectives used to describe me were classy, refined and precious, which has its good and bad traits. I think this is one reason why I have such a diverse group of friends.

2) My biggest fear is my fear of rejection or abandonment. It actually pointed out that this can be triggered in childhood after a divorce. I was totally floored. I recognized a long time ago that was my biggest fear, but it was amazing to have it clearly pointed out to me. I am extremely sensitive and keenly attuned to my own flaws. I know myself very well, and if someone sees these flaws, I am disappointed to such an extreme level that I hide away. I loved one of the terms, "an aristocrat in exile." That is exactly how I feel a great deal of the time.

3) To overcompensate for being rejected, I try to do everything I can to be special - the one trait that kept being mentioned is that I live to make an impression on others so that I am unforgettable. I also tend to leave situations before I even have a chance to be rejected (like quitting before I get fired from a job!). It said that I analyze every single fleck of possible rejection from a person. Every movement, every word, every slight I can perceive as being abandoned or overlooked. I avoid rejection at all costs.

4) Because I see myself as unique, I also am riddled with envy. I absolutely do not want to be like everybody else, but at the same time, I see my uniqueness as flaws. I covet what others seem to attain so easily. Because I'm so aware and sensitive about the feelings of pain and suffering, I feel as though everyone else reacts better than I do to situations. One idea I loved from the Spectrum site is that I am keenly aware of every single flaw I have, and yet I see every single perfection in others. I will never be good enough because I'm tragically flawed. Wow. I mean, this is spot on. I fall into a hole of depression and suffering, whereas others move on with their lives.

5) I crave extremes. Being static is simply unacceptable. I hate being bored and always crave for the next exciting moment (even if it's a low moment). I think this explains my varied career history. Also, what shouted at me with the OkCupid test is that it actually said something I have told others almost verbatim: "Don't say I'm being overly sensitive or that I'm overreacting." I consider that a personal attack to my sensibilities.

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted - as my 4-ness dictates, I have been on what I consider a deep, personal, struggle. Now it seems I need to focus on being ordinary and using my sensitivity to appreciate the good things in life.