Being SuperBetter

Here is my first journal about being SuperBetter.

I discovered the SuperBetter app watching an excellent TED video by the developer, who was a game developer by trade and created the app after a traumatic head injury kept her bedridden and nearly suicidal. It's a cute way to gain resilience in many different aspects of life to help you become a better person or overcome an obstacle.

Today is my first day trying the app, and it required a journal entry, What better way to keep track of my progress than publicly? I'm almost at level 4, and here's the question for today:

YOUR QUEST: Imagine that any aspect of your habits or thinking could be rewired with enough practice. What would you change or rewire? Why?

I think I would require my tendency to be a perfectionist which leads to insane amounts of procrastination. The why is pretty evident....I'm staring at a giant pile of dirty laundry that nearly takes up an entire wall.

Im always waiting until I feel better to tackle it, but lately I've been down and out and not feeling well. It will never get done and I'm always going to be sad looking at it, I've got to get out of the habit of procrastinating.

Also part of another quest I'm doing to boost my brain, I'm having to develop a personal motto. I'm taking part of it from the Bible and making it one that I can also use in my professional life:

My motto: "Always be thankful. Always give back. Always do better. This is the key to a fulfilled life."

What's one habit you want to rewire? What is your personal motto?

My Final Bachelorette Post

I'm getting married in less than a week, and I figured it's time for one more bachelorette post and some encouragement for those who are married or hope to be some day.


Sure, I'm Having my Doubts

I feel like I keep saying this over and over again, but I think I'm mostly saying this to myself: Am I really about to be married? Am I really going to become a Mrs.? Is the possibility of having children with a wonderful man finally happening? Am I really going to have someone by my side and love me for the rest of my life?

A lot of questions, I know. The question mark implies doubt, and I guess there is still some there. Mostly because I don't have a lot of faith in myself that I can make a relationship work. That seems really unfortunate to even say that, but it's true. I always compare my future on past successes or failures. And romantic relationships have been a source of failure in my life.

Perfectionism Is A Dream Killer
Lately, I've had another personal failure happen that just shook me to the core. So I've been hating the word "failure", because it implies that the damage is irreparable, when really it's just another opportunity to try for success.

I think that's how I'm going to approach my marriage. My mind is still wired to be a perfectionist: everything has to be exactly in its place, and if it's not, then there has to be a plan or a resolution to fix it. It sucks, because I'm a disorganized person by nature, so I'm constantly berating myself for my piles of junk or lack of cleaning motivation. I really can't afford to expect perfection in my marriage. It just won't happen.

Though it became one of the most overplayed songs ever, "She Will Be Loved" by my favorite band, Maroon 5 contains a really simple but powerful lyric.

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies / It's compromise that moves us along"

I always be sure to stop and sing that lyric when I hear that song. Just so it is ingrained in my memory. Marriage isn't always easy. Marriage is work. So many people have said it better than I can. I've heard a lot of sermons and read a lot of blogs that talk about how being in a relationship means having to work every day to love someone unconditionally.

Clocking In & Putting In 110%
What's great about my fiance is that he is absolutely fabulous at that. At least once a day, he asks, "You know you're awesome, right?" or "Thanks for being awesome." We are fortunate enough to have similar love languages - mine is words of affirmation, and that is high up for him, but physical touch is his main language. Physical touch has never been as important to me, but since it's important to him, I try to do that every day. I give him hugs or backrubs constantly.

And I think that will be the key to having a successful relationship. It's what I've been told so many times but never really understood until now:

Being in a marriage is having a full-time job. It's always putting in the effort every day to give and receive love. It's not always easy, but the rewards are so huge, it is worth it.

The Last 100 Days...

Seriously, it would be nice if things slowed down a bit. :) So, of course, as I should have expected, my boyfriend is now my fiance much, much sooner than I anticipated. I thought for sure he would wait a little while longer, but it turns out he's been waiting since early May. It's very, very strange to say that I am down to my last 100 days as a bachelorette.

This little bauble has changed everything.

The trip to Destin that started this path was wonderful and quirky and frustrating. It rained the entire time, save for a few moments where we could play some mini golf or walk along the beach. The drive to and from there took entirely too long, and there were a lot of very exasperating moments. But it has all been worth it. The millions of texts and e-mails soliciting wedding advice, assistance... Practicing signing my new name...The constant Facebook updates, and my loyal friends who like every post, just because it's something even remotely related to the wedding or to my relationship.

Strange how the travel agent and the event planner burst out of me during times like these. I've managed to come up with a lot of wedding stuff in a very short time. Somehow, though, the enjoyment level is waning. I'm hoping after tomorrow, I can not think about weddings for at least a few days. I wonder if that's possible. I do know that after these past several days, the planning is becoming stressful, and I know it's time to pause.

Since our engagement, I've definitely started to settle into our relationship. I'm beginning to understand his vocal and facial cues, know what to say to him, how to express my feelings. However, wedding planning has done nothing but made this process a lot more difficult. I'm constantly waiting on someone to call...constantly thinking about the next step...

How come he doesn't care that we need at least two more sets of linens?

Shouldn't he be excited I'm picking one of his favorite colors?

Why won't he listen to me when I say we need to get (*insert wedding task here*) done now?

Why these ridiculous thoughts have crossed my mind is beyond me, as they came from the same brain that also doesn't see the need to buy clothing more often than once a year.

Really, though, ever since I moved in, I've "forgotten" about my single life. About how sad or emotional I'd become around the holidays...how ridiculously lonely it felt to watch TV with noone to make random comments to. The only time I remember what it's like to be single is when I'm lying awake in bed, and I can't fall asleep, because there's someone next to me. A soft, cozy body pillow who happens to come with its own sleeping soundtrack. He keeps me awake at night, but at the same time, how nice it is to have someone to watch sleep if I have insomnia. Or someone who will instinctively snuggle closer to me if I turn.

Singlehood seems like ages ago. And I really don't miss it.

Of course, it's only been a few months. I heard about this whole seven-year itch thing....is that really true? Every once in a while, one of us will ask if we will get tired of each other. Despite my fiance's analytic brain, when it comes to us, he is ever the optimist. We will always be just as caring with one another as we are now. Even after many years of marriage....and maybe kids...and frustrating years on the job... Doesn't seem possible (I guess I'm the realist of the pair?), but his heart is in the right place, and that's all that matters.

How OkCupid Changed My Life....

Sadly, this is not a blog about meeting The One. I've only been on there a few weeks thanks to my friend Lindsey, but I have been very pleasantly surprised at the quality of people on there. Things have really changed since online dating began. I've come across profiles of several friends, so it's nice to know I'm not a wierdo anymore.

And that's where the life changing begins. The site allows you to create tests that are displayed on your profile. One of the most popular ones is the Enneagram test. I feel as though it takes the Meyers-Briggs personality test and takes it to a whole new level. It literally is just 2 questions, but it has revealed to me so much about my personality that I have been struggling with. For more on these nine different personality types, go to http://www.enneagramspectrum.com/.

For a moment, it feels almost like astrology - that when you read all of the personality types and you can see how you could fit into all of them. That made me a little skeptical, but it was interesting that they call it a spectrum because, like the color spectrum, one of the nine traits is like a color hue that shines brightly out of all the rest. As I took the test and read more about my personality (I'm a 4, "The Original/Unique/Sensitive Person"), I actually felt tears welling up in my eyes.

Here are some of the key points that I've learned about myself and hope that it gives you a bigger understanding as to who I am. I also encourage you to take the test and let me know if the results were as powerful for you as they were for me.

1) I value originality and beauty. What I love about myself and other people is that they are each unique and possess qualities that only they themselves have. One great phrase I loved is that I make the ordinary extraordinary (sometimes to my detriment) and the extraordinary ordinary. Other adjectives used to describe me were classy, refined and precious, which has its good and bad traits. I think this is one reason why I have such a diverse group of friends.

2) My biggest fear is my fear of rejection or abandonment. It actually pointed out that this can be triggered in childhood after a divorce. I was totally floored. I recognized a long time ago that was my biggest fear, but it was amazing to have it clearly pointed out to me. I am extremely sensitive and keenly attuned to my own flaws. I know myself very well, and if someone sees these flaws, I am disappointed to such an extreme level that I hide away. I loved one of the terms, "an aristocrat in exile." That is exactly how I feel a great deal of the time.

3) To overcompensate for being rejected, I try to do everything I can to be special - the one trait that kept being mentioned is that I live to make an impression on others so that I am unforgettable. I also tend to leave situations before I even have a chance to be rejected (like quitting before I get fired from a job!). It said that I analyze every single fleck of possible rejection from a person. Every movement, every word, every slight I can perceive as being abandoned or overlooked. I avoid rejection at all costs.

4) Because I see myself as unique, I also am riddled with envy. I absolutely do not want to be like everybody else, but at the same time, I see my uniqueness as flaws. I covet what others seem to attain so easily. Because I'm so aware and sensitive about the feelings of pain and suffering, I feel as though everyone else reacts better than I do to situations. One idea I loved from the Spectrum site is that I am keenly aware of every single flaw I have, and yet I see every single perfection in others. I will never be good enough because I'm tragically flawed. Wow. I mean, this is spot on. I fall into a hole of depression and suffering, whereas others move on with their lives.

5) I crave extremes. Being static is simply unacceptable. I hate being bored and always crave for the next exciting moment (even if it's a low moment). I think this explains my varied career history. Also, what shouted at me with the OkCupid test is that it actually said something I have told others almost verbatim: "Don't say I'm being overly sensitive or that I'm overreacting." I consider that a personal attack to my sensibilities.

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted - as my 4-ness dictates, I have been on what I consider a deep, personal, struggle. Now it seems I need to focus on being ordinary and using my sensitivity to appreciate the good things in life.