A New Grown-Up Adventure Awaits

It still seems a bit unreal. Perhaps when I start working again, it will finally hit me. I'm finally "on my own" again. It took 11 years to get back to this place. Of course, I have a lot of help from my amazing boyfriend. Without him, I don't think I would be able to get started so quickly.

I cannot believe it only took 8 months for my life to change forever. I did not realize blatant, harmless flirting would lead me to this point, but here I am. I am ready, but I am scared to death. It wasn't too long ago, I posted about the woes of long-distance dating, and how he and I were able to cope. I didn't realize until one week ago that we would be saying goodbye for the last time so soon.

Me and my guy at my birthday party in Feb. 2012. My last big gathering in my hometown. :)

So I left all of the familiarity and comfort of home and ventured into a new city. I have to start all over and really put into action all of the "adult" things I've been putting off for years - like planning a wedding, buying a home, saving money in general. I have to go from eating food out almost every day to planning trips to the gym and planning meals at home. 

It's daunting, because it's all happening at once. I think people expect me to be flipping cartwheels in excitement. Instead, I've been doing nothing but thinking, planning, jotting notes. There's no time for cartwheels. If it wasn't for my boyfriend, who manages to find many moments to pause and just look at me just for pure enjoyment, I'd probably be pulling my hair out. Ah, and Pinterest helps, too. :)

(In fact, my attention was diverted for a good 20 minutes just then looking at budget blogs, HA!)

What makes my guy also great is that he appreciates the little things. I folded a little bit of his laundry yesterday, and he told me this morning how much it meant to him. Who knows how long this beautiful attitude will last, so I have to soak it up as much as possible!

There are so many things I'd like to do, so I figured I would jot a few of them down now, and see how I progress in a year.

1. I am so tired of bland employment reviews. I want to come up with something to revolutionize my new job and get an outstanding review!
2. I want to get married, and do it in a way that saves money, but still honors my family and friends. It will be tough, but I have to do it for under $3,000 in order to be content. I just don't want to spend a lot when that money could be used elsewhere.
3. I want to get a house with my man. Number 2 may need to be reduced in order for that to happen, but that's okay. Whatever sacrifices I have to make to have the home of my dreams with the man of my dreams, I will do.
4. I'd like to make at least one good girlfriend here. One that I can depend on for a spontaneous evening out. I will still have my besties at home, but having one to spend time with here would be fantastic.

I'm really overwhelmed with the "newness" of everything, that I'm even finding it difficult to blog everything that's rolling around in my brain. For now, I have to again thank God for allowing me to catch up so quickly. I have a lot of growing up to do!

Lessons Learned From a Tough Year.

I've had the most difficult time putting words on paper lately, which is really weird for me. It's been a while since I've blogged, and I'm hoping this will inspire me to write a brilliant memorandum for my legal bibliography class.

Admittedly, 2010 was one of the most difficult years of my life. I haven't experienced this much turmoil and heartache in more than a decade. I was quite unprepared for it, but then again, all of life is a series of surprises that you must choose to deal with properly. Here are some lessons I've learned the hard way this year.


Lesson #1: I'm not every woman.
I learned this year that I have a difficult time handling multiple issues, people, responsibilities all at once. I'm understanding more and more about how my mind and body operate, and they do not enjoy being "on" constantly. It's a frustrating thing, because that is what a modern-day woman is all about: mastering the art of hat-switching, plate-juggling or whatever metaphor you choose to equate with having a lot going on. I think this is why newspaper journalism wasn't the right fit for me - I do not thrive under pressure. In fact, I can only handle small doses of it just to make it through the day without feeling like I'm falling apart. My life works best as simple and as uncomplicated as possible. It took a lot of effort to pry myself away from the things in my life that tended to only create negative stress and drama. I think I'm almost there. I'm not ashamed to admit now that adding two paralegal classes to full-time work and an increasingly smaller "social" schedule was pure madness! It is an error I will not re-commit in the future.

I can't say enough how much it amazes me that women can pile on the responsibility, especially (my now infamous phrase among girlfriends) "The Big 3" - house, hubby and kids - and still manage to walk out the door with eyeliner. Eye makeup?! That is amazing. Worthy of applause, I say. I can't even properly apply eyeliner on a good, stress-free day. If I can remember (or simply have the stamina) to wash my face every morning I'm doing great.

Lesson #2: It's okay to ask for help.
Over the years, I've realized how easy it is to lose yourself when you're a people-pleaser. You think you're doing okay until a mere acquaintance asks you the casual, "How are you today?" And instead of just giving them a "Pretty good" and a small smile, you tell them how you are really feeling. This is a sign that it's time to let go. Take the time to vent -- to yourself in a journal, a therapist, a pastor, or a friend who doesn't judge you when you have a pity party month instead of just a pity party day.

This summer, someone referred to me as a "selfish, self-centered bag of wind". Of course, such vile and immature language was said mainly because of a poor self-image and quite a bit of jealousy. And even though my loved ones insist that isn't who I am, it did give me pause. Often, I stop taking care of myself in order to be there for other people - the antithesis of a selfish person - but in doing so I found that eventually, it was difficult not to think of anything but myself. In being there for everyone, I had left myself behind. And the resentment from such behavior begins to seep out in ways that felt narcissistic. I had to step back and look at how and why I did the things I did - what my motives were. Was I doing certain activities because I really enjoyed them? Was I really doing enough for the people who care about me? Or was I going through the motions because it was comfortable or easier? I am taking more time to ask close friends and family how they are doing, instead of being caught up in endless self-reflection, as introverts tend to do.

Lesson 3: Accepting oneself isn't a one-time process.

Being an introverted perfectionist means constantly looking at my words and  behavior and re-evaluating them in a way that's probably done me more harm than good. But at the same time, I've learned that all of the things that make me who I am: all of the awful qualities I'd like to change, and all of the good qualities I want to see more of, require I remain in a constant state of self-acceptance.

I will always get frustrated with my foot-in-mouth disease, my terrible long-term memory,  my tendency to goof off when it's time to work hard, my delusions about romance, or my stubborn attitude when it comes to principles. Yes, it's mildly frustrating at best and devastating at worst that I haven't stumbled upon the right man who has truly accepted all of my quirks and old-fashioned tendencies. But in those moments of frustration, I should never remain angry at myself for being who I am. Somehow, underneath all of the ways that aggravate me and others the most, my loved ones find qualities about me they find endearing. It is indeed time I more frequently remember those qualities myself.

My Attention Deficit Disorder

While lying in bed, I was trying to envision the perfect excuse, the perfect illness that would suit my needs in order to call in sick….and then I woke up.

Yep. Early one morning, I had a dream I feigned an illness to stay home from work. Given that I’ve only been at my current job for about six months, and that I rarely remember dreams, this is not a good sign.

“Career ADD.” I’ve only been able to find one article that so succinctly defines the “condition” I have when it comes to work and, so it seems, even life in general. I ran across this article a while back, and its points were valid and painfully honest for someone like me. You can read it in its entirety here. I highly recommend it.

Basically it explains that people who are constantly dissatisfied and changing jobs have an internal conflict in their career expectations and satisfaction level. After a year, six months, even 90 days, there are people like me who always are looking for the next “honeymoon stage” in a job. And when that fades, it becomes increasingly difficult to stay satisfied and focused.

I don’t completely fit all of the qualifications for career ADD. The article suggests that a person with career ADD doesn’t have a defined career path, and I guess for a few years that was true. However, I’ve known for quite some time that I want to be an investigator, but previous efforts using traditional methods to land this kind of job have been fruitless. And with the economy, it has become more convenient to simply accept the first job that comes along rather than waiting for the opportunity that suits me best.

Of course, the older you get, the more you understand and experience life. I’ve had to come to grips with the unpleasant parts of me I must change in order to live a more fulfilled life. Part of that is my expectation level – for me, my job, my family and my friends. What I’m beginning to see is that it’s more than about having unrealistic expectations or setting the bar too high. It’s about how I feel when I or someone else falls short of these expectations. It’s not as though I’m just now realizing that humans are flawed and will always disappoint you. The problem is that unbelievable pain I experience when I inevitably descend from the unattainable and high pedestal that I’ve placed my job, myself or my loved ones.

My God, how it hurts.

This is why I’m always so self-deprecating – it’s because despite all of my past successes in life, my current failures are always at the forefront of my mind. This is why I’m so unusually devastated when a friend hurts me or does something that contradicts what I think a friend is supposed to do. This is why I always feel so  unchallenged or (worse) inadequate at the jobs I take, and why when something bad happens or if I’m reprimanded, my first instinct is to quit.

It’s true – my closest friends and family know that I’ve always managed to see my way out of problems. No matter what comes my way, no matter how insurmountable or tragic the circumstances I face, I’ve always been able to dust myself off and move on – to a new job, new relationships, or to my next big idea. But I think it will take me a long time to soften the stinging blow I feel when things don’t go according to plan or when that pedestal crumbles.

On Staying Busy & Being Myself

It really is incredible how much activity you can fit into your life if you really try hard enough. About 10 years ago, if I had known exactly what I would have been up to in 2010, I would have laughed in disbelief.

Currently, I'm working full-time, taking two paralegal classes and am very involved in a woman's club. I also have a lot of really great friends and acquaintances that I enjoy spending time with and a family who needs me now more than any other time in my life. Writing that down, it just doesn't seem like a lot. But we all know that I wear myself out most days. I have to force myself to stay home in the evenings, even during weekdays, because there's always something going on.

Working women know exactly what I'm talking about! It's just how we are. In fact, I get angry with myself that other women my age can juggle all of that and much more. The Big Three, as I call them: a house, a husband and kids or some combination of the three. But I get so stressed just from the personal responsibilities I have. I'm doing well if I walk out the door with a clean and moisturized face. I can only imagine having to feed and clothe someone else...and then take care of a child too! ;) This undue stress that I put on myself doesn't always make sense to me, but that's how it is at the moment. However, for the most part, I'm living the twenty-something life in terms of responsibilities, but with a thirty-something's mind and body. Let that simmer for a moment. :) 

I am a "Jane of all social circles and a mistress of none." Though by nature I am an introvert and tend to thrive and "recharge" when I'm alone, I run with a lot of different groups and get along well with different types of people. However, I don't consider myself as the It Girl. I'm usually behind the scenes with a loud guffaw and something really silly or snarky to say. But I've never been the popular one in a group. Don't know why that is. For the most part, it's because I'm having to force myself to be more outgoing and it doesn't always work.

I also try very hard not to fall into what I've dubbed the "chameleon trap." I like being completely and totally myself with different people, and that often means being painfully honest. I try to live my life with politeness and tact, but if I don't like something, you will know it almost immediately. That tends to push away people who don't know me very well, and I hate that, but that's how it is. I also hate it when I feel that I have to act and be a certain way in order to fit in. Fitting is what we did back in middle and high school. I'm a grown-up now, my own person, but it's tough to remember that.

That's why I take it so personally when other people don't like me. Many people can just say, "Ah, it's okay. If they don't like me, so what?" I don't think I will ever be this way, at least not fully. Sure, as time passes, the hurt and the awkwardness goes away somewhat. But it truly does bother me when other folks don't like me -- even if the reasons are frivolous. Why? I am a people pleaser. I want to make others happy constantly at the expense of my own happiness (and also sanity). The phrase, "You can't save everyone" has been said to me several times this summer.

My overactive brain is the primary reason why I keep busy. I have the most colorful and vivid imagination - for better or for worse. Once I enter into a new situation, within seconds, I've come up with about three different scenarios that could possibly happen - some are positive and others are not-so positive. I have to keep active, because when I'm idle, I have way too much time to think. And because I'm a perfectionist, I spend most of my time thinking about all of the things that are "wrong" in my life....

And, yes, it is a great personality trait to always want to live better and be a better person. But a true perfectionist like myself can also be seen, especially on the outset, as spoiled, lazy, aloof, absent-minded and cluttered. I often don't even begin a task, let alone finish it, unless I know I will do it exactly right, complete the task in one sitting and have the perfect frame of mind. That means there's always a lot of things that don't get done. I have to remind myself constantly that even just doing one small part of a task is an accomplishment or that I have to work through something even if I'm grumpy or exhausted.

So how busy are you? Do you keep your life simple or constantly full of activity? Let me know I'm not alone!

On Loyalty and "Social Hierarchy"

Since all of my Facebook friends know precisely what I did over the July 4th weekend, I figured I'd go back to a topic that's been on my mind lately: friendship.

As I have blogged before, I understand the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. Out of all of the social circles I run with, I can only truly depend on less than a dozen people for emotional and other types of support. The limits of my patience regarding friendship has really been tested lately, and I suppose extreme adversity of late has something to do with that.

I first started thinking about this "hierarchy" in a facetious way with one of my best friends. To put it simply, I am fiercely loyal. If you and I have been good friends for at least a year, and another person that I don't know as well or is just an acquaintance does anything demeaning or awful to that person, I'm no longer their friend either online or offline. Period. No questions asked. This includes breakups romantically and otherwise. I defriend them on Facebook, and I no longer speak to them unless spoken to.

The only time I don't do this is if they are two friends that are on relatively "equal" standing. That is, I've known both of them for a really long time, and I care about both of them on nearly the same level. In that case, I do my best to mediate the situation. If that isn't possible, I try to remain friends with both parties and never bring up the topic unless they do so first.

There are a couple of problems with this. The main problem is that I care about a lot of people, and I've come to realize that these people don't care about me as much as I care about them. That has been extraordinarily difficult to take, but I'm learning slowly. This leads to my next problem: that I expect this same kind of loyalty from all of my friends, and I don't always get that. However, everyone's loyalties work differently than mine. All of you know I have a lot of friends and acquaintances, so I can spare losing a few here or there. It just seems that lately I've lost quite a few friends and, honestly, it has been nothing short of devastating.

On a brighter note, when it's time to let loose or have a little fun I'm much more flexible. Usually, it's "first come first served." If several friends ask me out on the same day, 99% of the time I go with whoever asks me first. I only make exceptions for special occasions like birthdays or showers. Those usually trump requests that may come before it.

It seems so simple, really. I wish more folks dealt with relationships this way, but I guess most people don't float with as many groups as I do. I hope this clears things up!

Circles of Friends

Not everyone can be your friend. This is a truth that takes many years to understand. "There's plenty of people who don't like me / But ten times more who love me / And I love myself". These are lyrics from "Happy Face" by Destiny's Child. The title makes the song sound completely juvenile, but there's some nuggets of wisdom in there. Click here to listen to it in its entirety. It's lyrically a very uplifting song (if you can get over the Beyonce pseudo-operatic ad-libbing).

Juggling a wide range of friends is extremely difficult. I am very proud to say that all of my Facebook friends (yes, all 417 of them) are people that I actually know. We all know I'm addicted to Facebook, but I don't just accept anyone as a friend. That FB phrase "accept as friend" is pretty powerful. What you are doing is letting someone into your life in a public way.

I think that's why it always bothers me when I hear friends tell me secondhand that someone is bothered by something I say or do on FB. I never just post anything online without thinking very, very carefully about it first. I don't think many people really understand that. If I post it, then I really want you to know about it. And if you don't like it, then you should be mature enough to express that to me.

But enough of that soapbox. What I tend to forget is that I have different levels of friends. I have lots of acquaintances and dozens of people that I really love hanging out with on a regular basis. (Ooo, shameless plug alert.) There are my Junior Woman's Club gals, my karaoke buddies, friends from previous jobs, old classmates, City Year friends and my lovably geeky gang of friends I've known for about 11 years.

There are maybe a handful of people out of those groups that I know I can call on at any time and they will be available (either physically, emotionally or both) to help me in any way. I hope all of you have at least one person in your life who's like that. I'm extremely blessed to have people I know I can count on, especially when I'm experiencing a difficult period of such magnitude, I can't possibly handle it on my own. Last week was one of those times, and I don't think I could have survived without them.

So here's to you -- buddies, acquaintances and friends. I appreciate having each and every one of you in my life.

On "Poria"

Before you click back to Facebook or YouTube, this blog is not a science lesson about the beetle, the fungus or the crustacean all known as "poria." (Thanks Wikipedia!) Rather, it's something of an English lesson. That's because "poria" is the only word you can create from the word "appreciation". That is, if you take out the letters that spell "patience." 

I was playing around with words and letters today when I realized that you literally cannot spell appreciation without patience. Appreciation is defined as "an expression of admiration, approval or gratitude." I think that to reap bountiful, personal rewards from that word, you should replace the "or" in the definition with "and."

Alright, enough of the wordplay for now. Everyone always says that patience is a virtue. Well, I humbly submit that patience is much more than that. Patience is a skill. Just like many other personality traits, patience is something that we aren't born with. It is a virtue that is learned. We don't always think about it, but we are born 100% selfish. I guess you could say we were born with a basic survival instinct. When we are babies, all we care about is that we are comforted and fed. That's it. We don't care if Mom or Dad is tired of 2 a.m. feedings or that your Aunt Joan is convinced you have your father's eyes. We just care about ourselves, and that's how it should be.

So clearly "patience" and "appreciation" are two abstract terms we know nothing about until we are much older. And besides having most of the same letters, these words are not mutually exclusive when it comes to people. In order to have true appreciation for someone in our lives, we often have to exhibit an inordinate amount of patience with them.

For me, this weekend was a true lesson in these words. Besides taking care of my Mom while she was recovering from surgery this week, I'm learning to appreciate other loved ones. I have learned that there are amazing people who have come into my life only temporarily. That is an extremely difficult thing to accept, especially when you have grown up with most of the same family and friends all of your life. It will be hard to let people go and to have the patience to await their return.

Who do you appreciate? (*cue the cheer*) How have you learned patience with them?

On Celebrating Life

Life absolutely surprises you sometimes. Often, it's the kind of awful surprises you never see coming: like when someone hurts you or when your life changes in a negative way.

Yesterday was not one of those days. I was able to experience the cycle of life in several positive and completely uplifting ways.

We'll start at the beginning. I spent time with some of my closest friends and their family yesterday after their baby boy was born. One of them referred to me as part of their family and it made me tingle a bit inside. Of course, it's something I've known for quite some time, but to hear it just meant absolutely everything to me. It was outstanding watching two families come together to support a mom when she needs it the most. It's almost unfathomable how this one small life will grow and affect the lives of countless others.

Next, there's the life of my cousin's little daughter. She's not even reached her teenage years and yet due to an illness, she has experienced more pain in her life than many adults. However, on Saturday, her wish to become a princess will come true and I'll be there to share in her and my family's joy. The amazing part is that this celebration will be completely unintentional. I decided spontaneously to take a trip to Charleston this weekend, and I stumbled upon a wine tasting event near Kiawah and Seabrook Islands. Turns out, it's sponsored by the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and they are granting her wish.  It's another one of life's little miracles.

Later, I celebrated the birthday of a dear friend whom I've grown close to over the last several months. She has only made Columbia her home for a short time and she's already establishing roots here. I so enjoyed seeing weeks of secret planning come together for one memorable and relaxed evening for a friend who does nothing but give of herself to others.

Finally, there's the biggest surprise of them all. My mother and I ran into a old friend of hers she hadn't seen in years. He had his Dad in tow and today is his 101st birthday. The man was in good spirits, lucid and had the biggest grin on his face after he shook our hands. He has experienced more life than any of us and he looked as though life was just beginning for him.

Obviously, yesterday was a long and exhausting day. I survived on a little bit of junk food and adrenaline. However, it's those moments that came together to create an unforgettable day of celebrating life.